What Jews really do at those summer camps...(Part 1 -- The Ballad of Andy and Tom)

I don't know where to start on something like this, but I guess the best place would be one of familiarity. For all of you watching from the lands of the South, Texas and Bush country -- you may not know this.

Jewish Kids are required to go to summer camps.

No, its not actually in the Torah...although, some conservative sects have considered it, but if you grew up on the East Coast and had a Jew for a friend...from the months of June-August, you knew they were in the mountains somewhere at a sleepaway camp only for their kind.

Maybe you thought its where they learned math, but lemme tell you -- not my camp.

I am Jewish.

I attended a summer sleepaway camp for young Jewish boys from the ages of 9-15. From the ages of 16-18, I worked as a counselor. I wasn't invited back due to a pesky arrest that last summer...

...ANNNNNNNYWAY, I'm going to swerve a little here and talk about my current roommate Tom.

Tom is in his mid-40's and his family used to own a piece of the Cleveland Browns, which is highly ironic because I am a Baltimore Ravens fan. Tom's family is the reason that the Modells had to leave Cleveland because they didn't support his horrible economical skills.

Apparently, Jews must deal with Karma...

...cause I HATE TOM.

Ok, hate's a strong word...

...but I have no respect for him...and he's quite possibly the most annoying person I've met in 5 years. The man has NEVER worked in his life, all his family money helps him get by...he has way more money than he lets on and has the cheapest room in my place, when the fact is...he could probably own it.

So, in typical California fashion, the man wakes up with the only real responsibility of smoking pot all day. And I'm not kidding. The man takes the fucking bong to the shitter, the shower -- and practically spends 7 hours a day, grounding up his high-grade marijuana into higher grade 'keef,' which is basically crushing the leaves into THC crystals. I would say the man smokes a half-ounce of weed every two weeks.

For anyone that hearts GNR or U2, I'm sorry for the next piece of information -- but that guy blasts that type of shit when he's stoned. We're talking about a man in his mid-40's that dresses like cross between a Wisconsin fisherman and a Deadhead. But his head is so fried, all that it's capable of doing is listening to any music loud, OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER...I don't mind it so much when its the Dead, Dylan or the Beatles -- he's 40...but man when that 80's shit comes on, it just makes all his bad qualities accentuate in some dark, twisted portion of my brain.

****

When I was 16 as a Counselor-In-Training, I had a best friend that I'll call Andy out of fear for this next portion of this entry. Andy was your typical Jewish kid, a little pudgy, a weird infatuation for Ken Griffey Jr and still afraid of drugs and alcohol because he felt his Mother was Big Brother. When Andy was 13, he dressed up as Ken Griffey Jr. for a Spanish class project we had. He had a Mariners Jacket, a cap...

...little did I know he'd walk into Middle School w/ blackface on.

My middle school was 50% Jewish/50% Black (welcome to Park Heights Rd., Baltimore) and lemme tell you -- watching him try to wash the stuff off after the project...and not coming off...that's a whole different story of how I learned about unintentional racism.

Anyway, back to camp. Without the blackface, the kid lived most of his days as a normal, mother-fearing Jew.

My other best friend and I weren't, obviously.

We were already into the partying phase of teenagers, as were alot of our camp buddies. Still, Andy was probably the funniest kid I knew...then again...

An unfortunate side-effect of Andy's motherly effects was his taste and music at this point...

Bon Jovi, Firehouse, Winger, Warrant -- Power Ballad bands of the late 80's/early 90's, just before the whole grunge phase took effect I guess. Now, Andy's constant pimping of said music and blasting of such hits as "Cherry Pie," "Never Say Goodbye," and the occasional "Seventeen" before we met up with the girls camp...which I should probably save another blog entry for. When you're 15 and trying to break down Jewish Girl chastity...there's some good times...and bad times.

As for Andy's music...well, for the rest of us...it wasn't so easy.

I took it in stride.

I'd even go to concerts with Andy to laugh my ass off. Some included: Bon Jovi, Def Leppard, and a stellar Steve Vai performance.

Unfortunately, when you're 17, stoned and thinking Zeppelin, Clapton and Hendrix rule...you're really not in the mindset to get hit with "Up All Night, Sleep All Day" by Slaughter.

One of my buddies, who I'll name Matt...also attended above concerts to laugh his ass off as well. Of course, Matt took it way too far one night at 3AM. As is custom in Jewish Summer Camps, when you have nothing to do at night...you end up committing some horridly atrocious pranks with way too many homoerotic overtones that make you really scared when looking back upon such incidents.

In the case of Matt...he decided to go through some of Andy's CD collection since Andy spent a little too much time rocking out to "Pour Some Sugar On Me" that day -- causing everyone in the bunk to basically tell him to shut the shit off.

So, there were are at 3AM -- 4 weeks away from civilization at this point and just about crazy enough to do anything for entertainment at night.

Matt started wiping his ass with Andy's CD's...in front of like 5 or 6 people, cracking up around Andy who was sleeping peacefully in his bed. Firehouse got the smear...I think at least 30 CD's did. It escalated from CDs, to hygiene articles...

...nobody ever told Andy. To this day, I'm pretty fucking sure Andy doesn't know a damn thing either.

*****

I live with 2 guys. The aforementioned Tom...and my other roomate Mike. Mike used to be Tom's friend.

Before Tom moved in. Things have gotten really bad, but Tom has money and we get rent...but its definitely reached that point of when you know someone's about to either leave, or get asked to leave. Mike is 23, by the way.

Tom is probably the most passive-aggressive person I know, leaving notes for me not to touch his guitars...when he barely plays them and just sucks...and I've been playing for 10 years. He'll put dirty dishes in the dishwasher and leave a post-it note saying "Dirty Dishes."

He's the laziest motherfucker I know. Until we said something, I found myself cleaning all his weed supplies all the sime from the kitchen counter. In response, he now tells me when there's two strands of hair in the bathroom sink.

Me and Mike are ready to kick the shit out of a 45 year old that smokes about an 1/8 of weed a day. Obviously, we can't really do it as it'd kill the space cadet.

So, this week...in a morning haze, I just said fuck it.

"The Greatest Hits" collection from Guns N' Roses got every inch of my ball sweat. Mike walked out of the room laughing, and I continued as I knew Tom was 'busy' in Aspen, Colorado that week.

My reasoning?

If I'm going to hear 'Welcome to the Jungle' blasted one more fucking time, I'm going to smile and laugh like I used to.

*****

After our last summer as counselors, Andy went away to UMASS. Everyone knew change was in store when earlier that June, Andy got himself alcohol poisoning in Ocean City, Maryland. He decided to play Asshole for the first time...with Vodka.

We knew change was in store for him.

Boy, did we underestimate the kid.

He got kicked out of UMASS in year 2 as a drug dealer. Apparently, Andy went nuts away from his mom. I remember him calling me 6 AM yelling at me cause I never introduced him to LSD.

He's gone on to tour w/ Phish...

...backpack across Asia...

...he has a fucking ponytail and lives in Napa, working for wineries.

He got a 'jamband' to play at his wedding last year, where he married a lovely and certainly understanding nice Jewish woman.

Their song was Firehouse's "I Finally Found the Love of a Lifetime"

...I guess some things are meant to be.